I was standing in front of the library drinking an iced coffee on my dinner break when a guy came up and talked to me. My thoughts are in italic.

"Excuse me, may I for a moment interrupt your peaceful beauty?"
Okay. I was just scanning passersby looking for a model for the hair coloring job I hope to get for my class reunion, but you seem more amusing.
"I say beautiful because you have a beautiful purple and gold aura."
Go, Vikings!
"Really, you have the most perfect purple aura I've ever seen, no cracks. I'm a psychology student at Columbia University . . . "
I thought socialism was the dumbest thing they taught up there, but auras?
"And I volunteer at this fine institution."
You have no idea where we are, do you?
"As you may know, our horrible federal government in order to send ever more money over to the war, has recently cut all funding to feeding the homeless."
That seems improbable. I wonder if he'd enjoy my lecture on the enumeration of powers of the federal government as outlined in the constitution and tenth amendment. Liz didn't seem too interested when I laid it on her recently, so I'll hold off.
"I mean, our wonderful federal government!"
I guess he was expecting some kind of reaction I didn't give. Poor fella, if you only knew with whom you're dealing!
"Fortunately, the Gay Men's Health Crisis has generously offered to help us by matching every $2, $5, $10, or $20 donation we can collect."
Beware of mission creep . . . But I pulled out my reticule.
"Oh, thank you. Where are you from, sweetheart?"
Damn this backpack! I don't want to look like a tourist, I want to look too badass to risk messing with! "Brooklyn," I said, handing over two bills. Single bills.
"Really? Oh, wonderful, wonderful, one of us, helping our own."
It does not appear I'll be getting a receipt for tax purposes.
"Seriously, if I'd met someone as beautiful as you years ago, I wouldn't be gay today."
Hmmm, I wonder who I could be saving from that fate right now? Or is he saying I look mannish? Because one reason I grew out my hair was because I got called "sir" twice. And finally, as he walked away, By the way, "Mr. Charity", your meth mouth gives you away!